


No One Can Hear the Pain

by actually18pigeons



Series: Whumptober 2020 [12]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Crying, Depressed Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eddie Diaz Takes Care of Evan "Buck" Buckley, Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, M/M, Men Crying, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020, Worried Eddie Diaz, no. 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27295465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actually18pigeons/pseuds/actually18pigeons
Summary: Whumptober Prompt - Crying. Set around 3x01, a different spin on Eddie going to check up on Buck.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Whumptober 2020 [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1941847
Comments: 2
Kudos: 147





	No One Can Hear the Pain

**Author's Note:**

> This'll be my last piece for Whumptober 2020, and hey 14/31 isn't bad for the first time. I'm not in love with the ending but wanted to publish it before the end of the month. No trigger warnings apply.

Eddie wasn’t particularly surprised when Maddie called him, they had talked many times in the last few months, mostly about Buck, and they were close due to their mutual love for her brother. He pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, answering after the second ring. 

“Hey Maddie what’s up? Is Buck okay?” His breath caught the way it always did as his mind spiraled through all the reasons she might be calling him. There was another clot, he was in the hospital again, he had done something self-destructive….. each thought is worse than the last, and Eddie sighs in relief when Maddie responds. 

“Yeah he’s fine- I mean, you know- given the circumstances. Physically he’s fine. But we’re approaching a week without him leaving the apartment and I don’t know what to do. I think it would be good for him to see a new face.”

“I can head there now if you want. Chris is at Abuela’s and I was just driving home for the night.”

“No rush, I’m sure he’ll be fine for another night… actually yes, please go over, I’m really worried about him. I left a spare key under the mat for whoever was going to be seeing him next, you can keep it if you’d like.” Eddie’s heart raced at the idea of having a key to Buck’s apartment, not in a weird way, but just so he’d have the ability to check up on him, and even without Buck knowing, this felt like a minor step in their relationship. 

“Sounds good, I’m on my way, about 10 minutes out.” He drove off the shoulder, pulling a u-turn as he headed back through the city to Buck’s apartment. 

“Thank you, Eddie.” The sincerity behind the words wasn’t unusual but gripped Eddie’s heart all the same. This was Buck they were talking about. Their Buck. Eddie didn’t know what Buck had told her about him. God, he didn’t even know if his feelings were reciprocated, but he was pretty sure they were. Maddie had definitely picked up on the lingering touches and not-very-subtle eye contact. 

Eddie’s thoughts wandered as he subconsciously took all the turns to get to Buck’s apartment. He gave him a call outside of his building to give him a heads up he was coming, but it went through to voicemail, same as all the other calls. 

Anxiety mounting slightly he climbed the stairs to the apartment, knocking on the door gently as he grabbed the key from under the mat. 

Unsurprisingly the room was dark when Eddie entered, and he scanned the open area for Buck, flicking on the living room light before looking up to the loft, eyes settling the messy curls sticking out from a pile of blankets. At the sound of the intrusion, Buck startled slightly but didn’t turn around. 

“Maddie, you can leave me alone for more than six hours. I’m fine!” Buck sounded like an indignant child, but he had every right to, Eddie thought, faced with the prospect of losing so much. 

“Nope!” Eddie called back, “It’s the other member of the save-Evan-Buckley-from-himself club!”

“I don’t need you here!” Buck yelled back, rolling over with a huff, pulling the blanket fully over his head. 

“You think I’m here for you?” Eddie asked, trying and probably failing to mask his concern with humor, “Nah Buck, where else am I supposed to make a cup of not-too-crappy coffee?” He flipped on Buck’s coffee machine, grabbing two mugs and adding their respective creams and sugars. 

Buck didn’t respond, but Eddie wasn’t going to let that deter him, he was used to dealing with moody children. So he washed a few dishes as the coffee brewed, wiping down the counter before pouring their cups. He walked up the stairs to the loft, wondering how the hell Buck made it up here in the first place with his leg. He set down the mugs, sitting on Buck’s bed, placing a gentle hand on… what he hoped was Buck’s back. 

“You don’t have to talk, but I’ll be here if you want to.” 

“You’re only here cause Maddie got sick of taking care of me. You should be home with Chris now, not with me,” he mumbled from under the blankets. 

Eddie’s heart broke. Did he really think that lowly of himself? “You know nobody can make me do something I don’t want to do. I’m here because I care about you, and I want you to be okay.”

Buck pulled the blanket down slightly, uncovering his flushed face. He looked up at Eddie through damp lashes. “I’m fine.”

“I know you’re not,” Eddie countered. 

“It’s… I just… I have nothing if I don’t have this job.” Eddie reached out, gently cupping Buck’s cheek, meeting his eyes. 

“That’s not true. You have a loving sister, a team that supports you. You have Christopher… and you have me. I’ll be here. We’re not going to leave you just because you’re not working alongside us.” 

Tears pooled in Buck’s red-rimmed eyes as he bit his lip, trying not to break in front of Eddie. He had cried far too many times this week alone. Maddie had seen him cry hundreds of times throughout his whole life but it was different with Eddie. Buck turned away, not wanting to see the judgment on Eddie’s face as fresh tears prickled in his eyes. What he didn’t see was the heartache and compassion clearly written there instead 

Eddie moved to slide his hand over Buck’s shoulder, smoothing the wrinkles out of his crumpled gray shirt. “I remember how it felt when I got shot. The idea of leaving my brothers behind over there and being left alone with my broken body. I remember that terror. I get it. I know this isn’t the exact same thing, but how you’re feeling is totally normal, I’m not going to judge you.”

Buck’s face crumpled, and he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, choking back a sob. Eddie continued, “When I got discharged I thought my life was over. I felt so much shame over leaving my team alone to fight without me. But if I hadn’t left them I never would have found the 118… never would have found you.” Eddie reached up, tangling his fingers in Buck’s short hair, rubbing the creases out of his forehead with a gentle thumb. “So take the time to grieve. But don’t expect to be alone for it.”

“Okay,” Buck whispered so quietly Eddie barely heard it. Buck uncovered his eyes, putting his hand over Eddie’s, pulling it into his lap and intertwining their fingers. He closed his eyes, blinking back tears, “thanks for the coffee,” his voice broke and he swiped at the tears dripping down his cheeks, “I’m not cryin’ about the coffee.”

“It’d be okay if you were. It’s damn good coffee,” Eddie joked, untangling their fingers and pulling Buck into a sitting position, pressing a mug into his hand before re-interlacing their fingers. 

That sat in silence like that for a while, sipping coffee, hands grasped together like a lifeline. Buck sighed when he finished his mug, setting it down on the nightstand with a thunk before falling back into the pillows. 

“What’re your plans for today?” Eddie asked softly, not expecting much of an answer as Buck threw his free arm over his eyes.

“What do you think I plan to do?”

“Hopefully shower…” Eddie smirked at Buck’s mock offended expression. Buck laughed lightly as he pushed himself up to sit beside Eddie again, but when Eddie turned to face him Buck’s eyes were downcast as he chewed his lip. Eddie squeezed his hand, drawing Buck’s eyes up to meet his. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“I… I don’t even know, everything is a jumble, and the thoughts move too quick I can’t catch them, and then I’m back in that moment with the truck... thinking I’d never get out alive. But now I am… and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that.” Eddie abandoned his hold on Buck’s hand in favor of wrapping his arm around his shoulder pulling their bodies closer. 

“Yeah, that makes sense. But focus on this moment. You are here. You are alive. That happened, and it sucks- it sucks so much, and we can all admit that. But this moment doesn’t have to suck. We’re here and we’re safe and we’re together. And that’s enough for right now.” He slid his hand up to cup the side of Buck’s head, pressing a light kiss to his temple. Buck turned to bury his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck, arms wrapping around Eddie to pull him into a proper embrace. Once Buck was secure in Eddie’s arms he sagged against him and probably would have slumped over if Eddie wasn’t holding them up. Eddie held him tighter as Buck’s shoulders began to shake. 

He closed his eyes, heart clenching as images of Buck lying crushed under the truck flashed across his eyelids. But Buck was here, secure in his arms, and that had to be enough. They sat in silence, save for Buck’s muffled sobs. Eddie rubbed Buck’s back as the tears slowed and his breaths steadied. He could feel Buck’s heart pounding where their chests were pressed together. Eddie kept holding on even after the sobs subsided, Buck would let go when he was ready.

“Thank you for coming,” Buck whispered into his damp shirt, and Eddie would be lying if he said he didn’t tear up at this moment of sincere vulnerability. 

Eddie pulled back slightly to rest his forehead against Buck’s, “Any and every time. I’ll be here.”

**Author's Note:**

> The stuff that Eddie says near the end is based on something I learned in therapy called radical acceptance. It's basically "this thing happened, it's not good or bad, it just happened and I can't change that." But it seemed strange for Eddie to be like "whelp it is what it is" so ya know. Thanks for joining me on the Whumptober adventure, there's another one called Comfortember that I might try to do a couple prompts from but who knows.


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